I suck at 99% of things, my friend, I just put my life around the 1% I’m great at

Gary Vaynerchuck

Speed comes from continuity [with the same players in the team]

Gary Vaynerchuck

 

The right to exist in spite of others

I don’t mind saying very intimate things online by now. I also did in real life. At least that’s what I thought.

Today

I am at a birthday party and the basic question pops up:

  • “What’s up with you? It’s been a long time we didn’t see each other”
  • “Nothing special”

Funny how much I hate when someone says it but I am the first to say it and dismiss myself. Especially in a period where everything is moving for me. I should have a lot to say.

Me over others

When I was a teenager, I recall, I was in the top of my classes and I recall people feeling less around me and also because I was the shortest kid and made fun of about it.

I used the fact of them feeling less to put them down even more.

Others over me

In my early adult life, I was fed up with this angry person I was that was also putting others down, so I stopped. Unfortunately, others kept feeling down.

This shut me down in a sense that I would rarely talk about me.

My own prison

Lucky for me, the other person I was talking with tonight jumped into talking about herself.

I often do this. I do not express myself. This leads to people not understanding me or thinking I look down on them as I don’t do the effort of expressing myself to them.

Truth is, I just don’t think it worth anyone time to explain something that seems self-explanatory or not interesting.

Conclusion

 

I have the right to exist anytime, anywhere with anyone at the same level. I guess, I’d have to have a trigger for that in my head for not feeling inferior to others as it doesn’t lead to what I ultimately want: a mutual respect and understanding of each other.

What you should be doing is focusing on building a fanbase, not worrying about getting to an executive

Scooter Braun

(Talking about music industry, but work the same for startups and investors)

Understand logically and emotionally 

I’ve read so many self help books that I understand logically most of my thoughts patterns that prevents me to get my work done.
One of the biggest hurdle I had was the fear of someone not liking what I do.
Even though I know I’m far from being the best and that even the best is not liked by everyone, I had issues to get my work out and seen.
One solution I found was to publish photos, as I’m less emotionally involved with photography than with my work. It was quite hard at the beginning but now it’s getting easier, not to say easy.
Easy, not because pictures are better (because they’re not necessarily). Easy because I’m able to stop this toxic train of thought that would hurt my self-esteem for no reason.
Practically, finding one picture a day is a constant cog running in my head to make sure I go out and find a new thing to look at. Not sure it will get any easier in that sense.
So few days ago, I thought to myself: “Nice, it’s getting very easy. I don’t have the fear of what people might say”.
Simply because I knew last year and experimented this year, that no one cares about what I do. After a year of doing it, the number of likes or comments is small. And that’s great because it’s liberating to know that no one cares. I can do what I love with no fear of anyone saying bad things.
Of course, once you get to a new level, life hits you in the face to show you the party isn’t over.
Yesterday, I got my first comment saying that the text I was writing was not good.
And as much as I understand logically that not everyone will like it, it took a lot of my mental bandwidth. Way too much actually. So much that yesterday picture has no text. I can say I was tired, that it’s ok to omit some days (which I did), but only for the good reason.
Yesterday wasn’t a good reason. I got hit emotionally. Even though I understand it logically, I’m unable to be strong enough to face it (yet!).
The only thing I can do to be emotionally stronger is to keep taking photos, keep writing and keep publishing. ERRY-DAY!

Kobe Bryant score no point for a whole year at eleven. He was frustrated and cried about it, and his father told him:

It doesn’t matter if you score 0 or 60, I will love you the same

The one

Giving yourself to love is such a crazy thing to do that when it doesn’t work out, it is normal to hate the world for telling you since birth that it is the greatest thing.

The only thing they forgot to tell us is the greatest thing hurts the most.

Today

I’m at dinner with a friend who had a difficult moment with her breakup, even thought she initiated it.

Long story short, I couldn’t get a word in.

I understand

I feel her, I get everything she says, or at least I think I do.

So I try to explain that I understand with what I went through myself while making sure I don’t shine over her. Just enough to make my point.

That just get her to be even more on her horses: “Well, but yours was easier because…”

I make myself sure I don’t make comparison because there’s never comparison or equality in suffering, but the message doesn’t get through.

Time to listen

Usually she comes to me for my advice, but after few replies, I notice nothing I say gets through to her. It’s a hard pill for me to swallow, but hey, this is how it works sometimes.

I just can’t properly listen to her as I totally gets what she means. She doesn’t repeat herself, but she already draw the map enough for me to get the end picture.

But this is not my time, so I get to listening. I force myself to look at her and to truly listen after this long week and long day. I’m toast out but I make the effort, because when people trust you with something so hard and personal, you ego is the last thing the situation needs here.

And on top of that, I feel very uncomfortable because I don’t know how to do that. It’s so much easier to give advice so I don’t feel her helplessness.

After so many times being shut off, I truly give up on answering. I don’t need to understand it, it just feels like it’s time to listen.

Get it all out

And there it goes, the tornado of emotions. I’m not here anymore. I only answer to rhetorical questions by a clear cut “hm-hm”.

At some point she just start yelling. I have to be honest, inside I was like: “WTF?!”, but there’s was nothing that would prevent it. I had no need, I was there only to hear some of the most troubled, weirdest and saddest thought we can come up with when we’re hurt so bad.

Reminds me

At the moment of hearing those, I couldn’t reflect on me, but now, I see myself years earlier becoming crazy and fearing for my sanity.

On the same day, I would want to punch women just because there were seemingly happy around me and an hour later I could dance in the street, ready to cry of happiness because I loved a song.

And then I decided I would wake up at 5a.m to run and get all this rage out. 6 kilometers, EVERY SINGLE DAY for a month. The last week my knees hurt me so bad. I kept on running. It hurt so much I couldn’t climb stairs. I finished that week out of rage, not caring about my health… (Now that I think about it, it was the first time I ever had knees issues)

If only she could get out of my system like the sweat after my runs… But she didn’t.

We are bound to go high and low. I used to hate it.

Sloughing

After years of being my own shadow with no life inside of me, I understand how grateful it is to feel hard. To be happy, truly, madly happy and hurt like crazy.

I didn’t experienced anything like that since, but the few times got drowned after flying too close to the sun or too close to the water, I embrace it. I embrace it because it helps me get out of it so much quicker.

I learned that denying your feelings is denying yourself and sooner or later you’re going to wake up and hate yourself for doing something that stupid. I use to do it because I didn’t want to be hurt anymore, so I stayed in a neutral state not feeling anything.

It hurts much more but by accepting it, it fades away quicker too. That’s why people say it’s good to cry (I guess, I don’t know what it is to cry).

Bad news, it is the same for happiness. It fades away quicker too. Or is it?

I don’t think so. Not anymore. I’m still the same inside, it still work the same way but I view it differently and that makes all the difference.

Conclusion

It feels weirdly normal to me to give more love when I’m hurt. To me and others. Most of the time, I don’t know how, but I’m defaulting to the right mindset. Surely meditation.

I want to be crazy again, in love of life, in love of feeling.

Good

  • Very good start, very light and fun, topic transitioned naturally
  • Did not let the bad service at the restaurant get to me
  • Got very selfless at the end: I finally, I got to give a harsh advice in. Not that I wanted to, but the moment felt right (hopefully for her, not that I needed it)
    • Weird, but I noticed that I sometimes give some awful truth to people and they listen… Everytime I’m not here to please and filter, it gets through

To improve

  • Listen truly and get myself out of the way earlier
  • Manage myself emotionally (long week and long day, I was worn out and slept throughout the whole next day)
  • Manage time better (leave at the right time to get the next train)

Success is predicated on effort and ambition. It comes from adversity

Gary Vaynerchuck

You’re always gonna be confused, but if you have a base understanding, at least you gonna be confused in the right direction

Todd Valentine (talking about attracting women)